Let’s talk about love, baby.  Or to be more specific, “love weight.” I’m talking about the pounds that so many of us pack on when we become comfortable in a relationship. In my personal opinion, this is an important topic for me to cover because I have an extensive history with it.  In fact, when I look back on my past I can say with absolute confidence that my ballooning weight always coincided with a romance.  So rather than generalizing and making assumptions about the rest of the world, I will delve a little bit into why I gained my weight with each love and each loss.

First thing’s first – let’s stop blaming the relationship.  While I’ve been alive only a short 29 years, I have learned over time that attributing my weight fluctuations to the relationship I was in was a complete and total cop out.  By finding an external cause for my poor choices, I took the accountability off of myself entirely.  It wasn’t the sugar-packed, highly processed foods; it was me being “comfortable with my body” because my partner said I was beautiful.  It wasn’t the lack of exercise; it was me “spending quality time with him on the couch” because my bond with him was more important than my health or self-esteem.  It wasn’t the overeating at restaurants; it was “date night” so why not indulge?  After getting into a long-term relationship and allowing it to mature past the honeymoon phase, by pointing the finger at my newfound comfort I was allowed to deny any culpability in what I had done to myself.  So this brings us to lesson one:

Don’t sacrifice your health or body for anyone, for any reason, at any time.  At the end of the day, it’s your fault.

Please pardon the harshness of this lesson, but I learned it in a harsh way.  When each relationship that I had fizzled out I was left with nothing but heartache and stretch marks; the scars were as much external as internal.  And when I was finally “single” again one thing remained the same – something I have begun to call the “sober moment.”  When I came down from the natural high of being in love, I always had that one sobering moment in the mirror when I stopped seeing myself from ‘his’ rose-colored glasses and began seeing myself for what I was.  What he labeled as beautiful throughout the relationship I began to see as unhealthy and, quite honestly, fat.  And I’m not talking about a little weight gain (think Regina George’s ‘I wanna lose 3 lbs’).  I’m talking about a solid 25–30lbs of weight added onto my frame.  The things that my partner told me were unique and sexy turned into poor stamina, an elevated BMI, and the lowest self-esteem that I had ever had.  And I always asked myself the same question – why, just why had I done this to myself?

Because I wasn’t being selfish, that’s why.  Being part of this society, and especially being a woman, we are conditioned to put the other person first.  You’re in a relationship to make another person happy, to make them comfortable, and to feed whatever ego they may have.  The problem is, we end up feeding our faces in the process.  And while there is nothing wrong with indulging on a date night, date night shouldn’t be 5 nights a week with buffet brunches in between.  My point is – BE SELFISH.  It is absolutely okay to be self-centered when it comes to your body confidence.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying what you need, when you need it, and why you need it.  If your partner doesn’t jump on board, then throw them over the side of the ship.  In the same way that you support them, they should support you.  And while I know it’s often easier said than done, you are a priority and you need to make that known.  At the end of the day, be independent and own the power to make your own choices.  If your partner didn’t fall in love with you because of your drive and motivation to succeed at first, then they most certainly will now.

At the same time, always remember that we can also have a hand in “love weight.”  We likely contributed to our partner’s weight gain in the same relationship that led to ours.  It wasn’t only you sharing the plate of mozzarella sticks on a Friday night, or the midday pizza run, or the early morning breakfast in bed.  If you take care of yourself, you will simultaneously take care of them.  Take the steps now to ensure you can love for longer, and even if the relationship ends you’ll still be left with the only connection that matters most in this world, and that’s the one you have with yourself.

To end this article, here are a few small tips that I’ve learned over time to help you on the infamous Date Night.  It may not be scientific, it may not be perfect advice, but it has helped me.

How to conquer Date Night:

1.       Cook at home!  Date night doesn’t have to be dinner at a restaurant and then a movie at the theatre where temptations run rampant and willpower runs low.  Cook at home so you have control of the ingredients.

2.       If you do go to a restaurant and you must order an appetizer, narrow down your appetizer selection to three choices, and then pick the healthiest one.  You won’t feel like you’re being deprived and you will still indulge a little bit, but this at least ensures you’re not eating the absolute worst option on the menu.

3.       Restaurant portion sizes tend to be out of control, so ask your waiter to bring you a “to-go” box with your meal.  Before you dive in, split the meal in half and put it aside for a meal the next day.  Then feel free to enjoy what’s left without feeling tired, bloated, and weighed down for the rest of the night.

4.       Skip the bread!  I know – this is a very tough one.  But how can you enjoy date night if you’re too full to move?  You have a full meal coming – don’t spoil it by carb loading beforehand.

5.       If you can’t overcome your craving for a soda or a calorie dense drink, just limit yourself to one.  After that one drink, have water for the remainder of the night.  It’s not about deprivation – it’s about moderation.