Today, I made my coffee at 7am. I later dumped it down the drain at about 4pm, only a few sips lower and after microwaving it twice throughout the day. Just like I did the day before.

Then I did it again the next day.

A harsh reality that I learned when I had my first child, while also working remotely from home full-time, is that finishing a cup of coffee is a luxury. Yes…something as small as this is often an insurmountable task. Something I once took for granted. Sitting on the deck enjoying a hot drink is a thing of the past. And I have yet to learn my lesson to stop making coffee as if my life is the same, and start making it in a way that fits my life now.

As I struggle to adjust to this new existence, new body, and new identity the last thing I need is critical input from those around me. As much as I need unconditional love and support during this time, I also want the space and grace to figure it all out myself.

So here is some advice for anyone who knows a new mom, or any mom for that matter. A list of things you should never say. Because in her world, everything feels like that damn cup of coffee…easy for you, but impossible for her.

1. DO NOT tell her that she’s “on her phone too much.” EVER.

When you happen to see a mom sitting down and scrolling through her phone, it’s probably second nature to assume she’s looking at some mindless social media app. What you don’t realize is that in the age of technology, she could just as likely be scheduling the baby a doctor’s appointment using the online portal. Or ordering the diapers she noticed were low this morning. Or putting in a grocery order for pickup the next day because she’s responsible for keeping the house stocked, but never has time to actually shop. Or checking her emails for something important about the mortgage. Or the bank accounts. Or the car insurance. Or any number of other small-but-crucial things that keep the household moving every day. And even if she is scrolling on some mindless social media app, remember that while you’re seeing her on her phone right now in this moment, you didn’t see her wash, dry, and fold three loads of laundry earlier in the day. Or clean the pantry. Or pick up the toys in the living room (a hundred times). Or empty, refill, and then start the dishwasher. Or cook meals, prepare snacks, wash the counters, vacuum, dust, and de-clutter. Or change any number of dirty diapers. All while managing a full workload because (remember) she still has a job, too.

The lesson here? What you don’t see is far more important than what you do see, because the hour she takes to scroll on her phone could be the only self-care available after she spent the other 11 hours of the day on everyone else. That is, if her scrolling is actually for herself, and she isn’t just checking another task off a to-do list the length of a CVS receipt.

2. DO NOT tell her that she should be going to bed earlier if she’s tired.

In what universe is this a “thing” for a mom?

There is a big difference between your tired, and her tired. She is tired, but not because she needs a nap. It’s because her mind is not allowed to stop. Ever. In addition to the constant worrying that comes along with motherhood, she is also constantly running a to-do list in her brain that extends beyond household tasks like cleaning and organizing (though those do make the list, too). It is easy to thank her now and then for the big things she does, like maintaining the house and caring for the baby. But what about the details that you take for granted? The number of things in your life that are made possible because of her?

Scheduling and planning for every doctor’s appointment, or the car maintenance, or the family dinners. Making sure you always have the birthday cards bought and signed for the parties coming up on the weekend. Keeping you active in the community. Contacting and later paying the landscaper when you “don’t get around” to mowing the lawn again. Reminding you for the hundredth time about the recall on your car. Sorting through mail. Keeping everything in order from bills to wills to insurance to vet appointments. Did you notice that each day when you get ready for work you have clean clothes to put on? Or that your toothpaste never runs out? Or that the fridge is always sufficiently stocked?

She holds the weight of every tiny detail of the family’s schedule, and that weight is heavy. “Going to bed earlier” is not going to solve this. Because either she is awake by choice after the baby goes to sleep because it’s the only time she gets to herself, or she is laying there unable to sleep because she’s thinking of all the things she “should” be doing around the home. Instead of telling her to go to bed earlier, offer to take something off of her plate. Be more present. Take on a few more household tasks without her having to ask you. Lift a little of the burden off of her, and you will start to see more of the woman you once knew. Be a partner in the partnership.

I know, I know. This isn’t a long list. But it’s an important one.

Wake up and watch what you’re saying to the moms around you. Because I promise…they’ve already noticed it, along with the way it made them feel.