People-pleasing leads to self loathing.

I am a recovering people-pleaser. I grew up as a scared child because I was subjected to bullying within my own family, I wasn’t protected by some of the people who were tasked to do so as my caregivers, and no space was ever safe for me to be my weird, unabashed self. Being a scared child then gave way to being a scared adult. I was afraid of judgment and criticism, I broke down at any sign of confrontation, and being accepted and “liked” was a deep, desperate need for me, on par with food and water. I needed it to survive. And this led me to become a people-pleaser. I disregarded my own wants and needs to ensure that those around me were happy. That I wasn’t taking up too much space in their presence. That I never made them feel shame or guilt, no matter how badly they deserved to. Since then, though, I have been able to change a lot of what made me a people-pleaser. It started with lots of therapy, but it has accelerated with my becoming a mother. And today I am SO PROUD to say that I have transformed from a pushover to a bulldozer, largely because I vowed to never let my daughter feel even an ounce of what I did growing up. It’s a vow I will keep until I take my last breath. She will be the lioness that I should have been, but never had the strength to become.

The fact of the matter is, you teach people how to treat you. When someone treats you as “less than,” and you do not take prompt, firm steps to correct it, you’re showing them that you will not only accept that treatment, but that you’re willing to live your life inside their judgment of you. What an ego boost for them, amiright? While you might think you’re being selfless by putting others ahead of yourself, what you really are is a martyr. It is not noble, it is weak. And who wants to be weak? (If you feel attacked, then this is exactly the post you should be reading).

The first step to finding strength in yourself when you’re a people-pleaser is recognizing the problem in the first place. Think of it like AA for doormats, but instead of following 12 steps, you’ll be following thousands of steps for the rest of your life. It is an ongoing effort to put yourself first because we live in a society where women are told they are most valuable when they are subservient. We are nurturers by nature, and we find it easier to lean hard into that role than to challenge it. But I am here to urge you to push back against it. You are a whole ass human, and it’s time you act like it. Demand to be heard, to be recognized, to take up space. Be loud. Be unapologetically YOU. And in the words of our lord and savior Elyse Myers, if someone thinks you’re too much then tell them to GO FIND LESS.

Do not make martyrdom your entire personality, and then have the audacity to be resentful about it. You cannot be resentful for the break you didn’t get, but also never asked for.

Sometimes (oftentimes) the work you’re doing for others is a reflection of them, not you. Bending over backwards to make sure some other, inconsequential adult has their needs are met does not make you nice or kind or selfless. It makes you (sorry) a little pathetic. Because at the end of the day it’s in service to the other person. Their need to be coddled and worshipped. And before you take this as an attack on you, please remember that I am speaking from experience. I look back at the person I was before I was forced to woman-up, and I am disgusted with her. She was weak and pitiful and I am embarrassed of her. And she ended up living in a forest of resentment that she grew herself.

And I will never be her again.

Take care of yourself so you can take care of those who depend on you for life and love, not those who depend on you for their own ego. Demand respect. Own your time. Raise your voice. And make it LOUD.