Stress is one thing that absolutely contributes to weight gain. When cortisol levels increase in response to stress, we store fat. So let’s look at one way that I have handled (or rather, poorly handled) a recent bout of intense stress. While this question is one that all people can relate to in some way, I am primarily posing it to the ladies out there:

Why do we take on everyone else’s problems as if they’re our own?

In exploring my most recent spell of depression and anxiety I realized quickly that the problems I was stressing about were not (directly) my own. But I had immersed myself so deeply into the tribulations of someone I love that I lost sight of my own needs. My own energy took a backseat to everything else that was going on and I became numb to all of the things that made my life, my life. I no longer took pride in my home, walking the dog became mundane, looking toward the future was nonexistent, my fitness and health became boring, work became even more unbearable, and I allowed my new marriage to take a backseat to the other priorities I was taking on. So I began to explore in my mind how to identify this problem before it happens. The next time someone I love goes through something intense or difficult, how can I keep it at arms length without seeming indifferent?

As women we feel innately responsible for those around us. We nurture and care and foster beautiful relationships with the way we show compassion, but I think it’s a fair question to also ask:

What is this doing to me?

This question is not selfish. It is not unconcerned or unsympathetic. It is not wrong. It is HUMAN. And I am a firm believer that (far too often) women forget that we are allowed to be human. Making mistakes is not only normal, it is acceptable. How else would we be able to grow and learn? As long as you’re not intentionally being an a-hole for the sake of being an a-hole, then I think you’re doing pretty well. By assuming that women aren’t allowed to have imperfections, we are assuming that they are not capable of evolving. It leads to the thought that their journey through life is worth less than everyone else’s, and that is an incredibly dangerous mentality to subscribe to.

What I did: Allowed myself to feel all of the rage and stress that I knew my family member was feeling. I empathized to the point of a near mental breakdown.

What I should have done: While it can sometimes be healthy to be empathetic and really put yourself in someone else’s shoes, it should never be at the expense of your own sanity. Instead of diving headfirst into feeling every iota of pain that my family member was feeling, I should have been able to remove myself enough so that I didn’t inadvertently cause damage to myself. Keeping some degree of separation allows you to understand what your loved one might be feeling so you can comfort them appropriately, while still keeping a strong hold on your own emotional stability and a clear view of your own life.

What I did: Immediately began volunteering all of my time and resources to the cause. Every ounce of time that I had, whether it was free time or not, was devoted to helping my family member through their difficult time. I allowed it to take over my phone, email, and my mind for countless hours at a time every single day. Even when I wasn’t actively working on the problem, I was thinking about it.

What I should have done: Taken breaks! It got to a point where my family member’s situation monopolized my entire world. My work, fitness, nutrition, home, and even my own husband became secondary to it. Sitting down to read a book or going outside for a run with the dog was impossible because I always felt that my family member’s issues were more important, and that’s what I should be spending my energy on. Activities that fulfilled my own needs actually became a distraction because I had prioritized my loved one’s situation instead, which is a very problematic way of thinking.

What I did: Worked ‘round the clock on things I had never dealt with before.

What I should have done: Delegated. While I can never say that I regret dropping everything to help my loved one, I definitely should have taken a step back to re-evaluate not only my level of involvement, but also my capabilities with the situation. I wanted so badly to take control and fix the problems, but was I even equipped to handle it all? I should have delegated some of the responsibilities that I was stressing over to someone who had more experience or knowledge on the issue. I could have left the big tasks to the professionals and saved myself a lot of sweat and tears.

The bottom line is, it can be difficult to see the forest through the trees. When something difficult happens in a loved one’s life and you are looked to for support and comfort, always remember to take a step back and assess how capable you are of handling it, how much of you it truly requires, and what your mental state is to take it on. There is nothing wrong with saying “I love you, and I’m here for you, but I also need to take care of myself.” If you’re in a good place mentally and feel ready to tackle the issue right alongside your family member or friend, then by all means do so. Support them completely, defend them fiercely, and love them endlessly. But remember to support, defend, and love yourself too. If you don’t, then you’ll leave the situation with nothing left for yourself.